God. Americans and their obsession with making everything BIGGER and LOUDER. The Miami Grand Prix is basically what happens when someone gives F1 a Red Bull and cocaine cocktail.

Since crashing onto the F1 calendar back in 2022, Miami has transformed racing weekends into something that makes me question if I'm watching a sporting event or some bizarre reality TV show where celebrities pretend to care about motorsport. The racing? Oh that's just the background noise to the real event – watching influencers take selfies with cars they couldn't name if their follower count depended on it.

When Did Actual Racing Become Optional?

A whopping 275,000 fans showed up last year to watch Lando Norris grab his first win. I'm betting at least half of them couldn't tell you what DRS stands for if you offered them front-row seats for life.

The whole thing nearly collapsed before it began. A handful of local residents (bless their peace-loving hearts) filed a lawsuit over noise complaints. Imagine buying a house near an NFL stadium and then being shocked – SHOCKED! – that loud events might happen there.

The track itself was such a disaster initially that drivers weren't exactly subtle with their feedback. Sergio Perez called it "a joke" while Lando basically accused the designers of winging it – which, let's be honest, they probably were. Nothing says "prestigious racing venue" like having to resurface your track TWICE before cars even hit it.

But teh track problems would soon be the least of drivers' worries.

WWE Called, They Want Their Entrance Back

By 2023, things got even more bizarre. Picture this: 20 of the world's elite drivers – men who normally spend pre-race moments in deep concentration – being paraded out one-by-one past CHEERLEADERS while LL Cool J announced them like they were entering a boxing ring. Meanwhile, will.i.am (because why not?) conducted a 30-piece orchestra wearing formal attire. In Miami heat. I feel sweaty just typing that.

George Russell summed it up perfectly: "I don't think there's any other sport in the world that 30 minutes before you go out to do your business that you're out there in the sun, all the cameras on you and making a bit of a show of it."

Lando was even more blunt: "None of the drivers like it."

Too bad, boys. This is America. Entertainment trumps your comfort every time.

The Influencer Invasion Makes Me Question Everything

I spent $400 on a ticket back in 2023 and ended up sandwiched between a TikToker with 12 ring lights and someone who kept asking me which car was "the Ferrari one." The paddock has become influencer heaven – a place where having 2 million Instagram followers gets you more access than actually knowing anything about motorsport.

OnlyFans models have descended on the event like it's a gold rush. Last year, while Donald Trump (yes, THAT Donald Trump) was telling Norris he was his "lucky charm" – a moment that still gives me nightmares – OnlyFans actress Veronica Rajek was busy getting photos with the McLaren team.

Racing media even fell for a hoax claiming OnlyFans was becoming Alpine's title sponsor. I mean... at this point, would anyone even be surprised?

Celebs Who Can't Be Bothered to Learn Martin Brundle's Name

The grid walks have become painful to watch. Back in 2022, tennis legend Venus Williams barely acknowledged poor Martin Brundle, responding with a confused "What's the question?" before floating away to talk to someone more important.

Listen. I've been watching F1 since 1998. Martin Brundle is literally THE voice of Formula 1. If you're going to show up at a race, at least Google the commentators beforehand.

Last year's celeb roster read like someone's fantasy dinner party guest list: Shakira, Rory McIlroy, Kendall Jenner, Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, and David Beckham all made appearances. Even Taylor Swift was in town with her NFL boyfriend Travis Kelce – though she skipped the actual race.

Maybe she was avoiding an awkward run-in with Fernando Alonso after those dating rumors? (Which I'm still not over, by the way.)

The Secret VIP Experience That Makes Me Feel Poor

Apparently some celebs attend in such secrecy that nobody even knows they're there. Michelle Obama reportedly showed up as Lewis Hamilton's guest in 2022 and managed to slip in and out "very, very quietly." Beyonce and Jay-Z supposedly did the same.

And then there's the "Black Card" experience – which is exactly as elitist as it sounds. These VIPs get their own highway lane (because traffic is for peasants) that leads directly to a luxury parking zone.

As Miami GP President Tyler Epp proudly explained, "You don't have any interaction with the general population from the time you leave your hotel to the time you get to your seat."

Heaven forbid the rich and famous breathe the same air as us commoners.

That Embarrassing Fake Marina Still Haunts My Dreams

I still can't believe they tried to copy Monaco by... painting the ground blue adn calling it a marina. They stuck actual yachts on this blue concrete and charged people $1,000 to access it.

Want a deck chair? That'll be another $2,000, please.

When images first emerged in 2022, everyone immediately compared it to Fyre Festival. I've shown pictures to friends who don't follow F1, and they genuinely thought it was photoshopped. It wasn't.

Sky's Craig Slater even pretended to "swim" in it, which was both hilarious and deeply sad.

At least they had actual pools and The Chainsmokers performing. Nothing says "authentic racing experience" like EDM blasting while cars zoom by in the background.

The whole GP weekend has basically morphed into a music festival with occasional racing. In 2024, both Steve Aoki and Ed Sheeran performed at the Hard Rock Beach Club.

I spent $4K on tickets last year thinking I was going to a prestigious motorsport event. Instead, I found myself at what felt like a weird Coachella spinoff where occasionally cars would drive by. My friend who came with me (a genuine F1 fan since the Schumacher era) texted me halfway through: "Is this a race or a party with racing sounds?"

Poor guy. He just wanted to watch cars go fast.

The Miami GP returns this weekend. I'm sure it'll be bigger, louder, and have even more influencers who think DRS is a new skincare treatment.

I'll still watch it though. Because apparently I hate myself.