Look, I'm not usually one for harsh punishments, but some things just cross a line. When I heard about teh new laws coming for people who think Winston Churchill's statue is their personal jungle gym, I nearly spat out my morning coffee.

Three months behind bars. That's what you'll get now.

When did climbing war heroes become a hobby?

Despite Churchill's monument not technically being classified as an official war memorial (weird bureaucratic oversight if you ask me), Home Secretary Yvette Cooper is giving it special protected status. About bloody time. I remember walking through Westminster last summer with my cousin from Manchester who couldn't believe people were allowed to clamber all over it like it was some playground attraction.

The bronze figure of our greatest PM has become a magnet for protesters who've been getting away with using it as a soapbox. They'd climb up, make their point, then claim innocence because "well, I didn't actually damage anything!" Clever loophole that's finally getting closed.

Starmer's surprisingly passionate take

Sir Keir Starmer (who, let's be honest, isn't exactly known for his emotional outbursts) told HOAR something that actually sounded like it came from the heart: "Sir Winston Churchill stands at the summit of our country's greatest heroes, and has been an inspiration to every Prime Minister that has followed him."

He went on about the "justifiable fury" people feel when protesters use Churchill as a platform. "It is the least we owe him, and the rest of the greatest generation, to make those acts criminal." Strong words from a man who usually speaks like he's reading from an instruction manual.

So what happens if you fancy a climb?

The punishment? Up to three months locked up adn a £1,000 fine. Not exactly a slap on the wrist. This will be wrapped into the government's Crime and Policing Bill alongside other protected memorials like the Cenotaph.

God. I remember back in 2023 when I was covering a protest for another publication (before I landed this gig), and watched a group of demonstrators using the Churchill statue as if it were a stage. The police just stood there looking confused about what they could actually do. One officer told me off the record, "Our hands are tied unless they spray paint it or break something."

The trans rights incident that pushed things over the edge

Just last April, trans rights campaigners decided Churchill made a great climbing frame after the Supreme Court ruling on the legal definition of a woman. The images went viral, and my editor at the time was livid. "This is why we can't have nice things," she texted me at 11pm that night.

Currently, the law only allows prosecution if you physically damage the monument. Which is... ridiculous when you think about it.

The 12-foot statue has been standing in Parliament Square since November 1973 when Churchill's widow Clementine unveiled it. I've stood beside it many times. It's imposing. Powerful. Not designed as a bloody climbing wall.

Cooper's VE Day connection

Home Secretary Yvette Cooper added some context about the timing: "As the country comes together to celebrate VE Day, it is only right that we ensure Winston Churchill's statue is treated with the respect and reverence it deserves, along with the other sacred war memorials around our country."

Listen. Whether you agree with every aspect of Churchill's legacy or not (and there are legitimate debates to be had), using his likeness as a protest prop just feels... tacky? Disrespectful? I spent £40 on flowers for my grandfather's grave last month – a man who fought under Churchill's leadership. The idea that someone might use that grave as a platform for their cause, however worthy, makes my blood boil.

So climb elsewhere, folks. The message is clear.