God. I nearly spat out my coffee when I heard about this one. Donald Trump is planning what might be the most over-the-top military parade in American history – and naturally, he's scheduled it on his own birthday. Because of course he has.

According to a Washington insider (who texted me at 11:30 last night with this scoop), Trump wants to roll out approximately 7,000 troops, 50 helicopters, and 150 military vehicles through DC streets on June 14. The parade conveniently doubles as a celebration of the 250th anniversary of the US Army while also serving as Trump's personal birthday extravaganza.

The price tag? A cool $100 million of taxpayer money.

When Your French Envy Shows...

This isn't the first time Trump's tried to flex America's military muscle in parade form. Back in 2017, after watching Macron's elaborate military display in France, Trump basically turned into that kid who visits someone else's house and decides their toys are better. "We're going to have to try and top it," he declared after witnessing the French spectacle.

His first attempt crashed and burned spectacularly. DC officials balked at the estimated $91 million cost and pointed out that, um, tanks tend to destroy city streets. Imagine that!

I remember my editor betting me $20 that Trump would never let this dream die. I should've taken that bet.

The Route: From Pentagon to POTUS

The parade plans are frankly bonkers. Starting at the Pentagon in Arlington, the procession will wind through DC streets until it reaches the White House. Picture it: 6,600 troops marching in formation, seven band contingents playing patriotic tunes, 150 military vehicles rumbling along, and a squadron of 50 helicopters buzzing overhead.

And don't forget teh battle tanks! (Trump certainly hasn't.)

About 2,000 civilians will apparently join the march too. I'm picturing MAGA hats as far as the eye can see.

Who Needs Roads Anyway?

Listen. I've lived in DC. Those streets weren't built for Abrams tanks. Last time this idea came up, city officials practically had aneurysms calculating the infrastructure damage.

Mayor Muriel Bowser wasn't exactly thrilled back then, and I can't imagine her reaction is much different now. She previously said Trump saw "a windfall" and complained about "ridiculously high" costs.

Trump's response in 2018? "Never let someone hold you up!" before he canceled the whole thing and sulked off to an Air Force base parade instead.

Birthday Boy Gets His Wish (Finally)

I spent three years covering Trump's first administration, and if there's one thing I learned, it's that he never forgets a grudge or abandons a dream – especially one involving personal glorification.

Now he's back and determined to make this happen. Army spokesman Col. Dave Butler is putting the best spin on it: "We want Americans to know their Army and their soldiers. A parade might become part of that."

Might become part? Who are we kidding?

The Global Dictator Parade Competition

It's worth noting that massive military parades aren't exactly common in democratic countries. They're more the signature move of leaders like Xi Jinping, Kim Jong Un, and Vladimir Putin.

Back in 2019, I watched footage of China's massive 70th anniversary military parade with a former Pentagon official who just shook his head and said, "That's what insecurity looks like." Poor guy would probably have a stroke seeing America planning something similar.

Arlington County Board Chair Takis Karantonis gave the most diplomatic response possible, saying he got a "heads up" but hoped "the federal government remains sensitive to the pain and concerns of numerous veteran residents who have lost or might lose their jobs."

Translation: "Is this really the best use of $100 million?"

America's 250th: The MAGA-fication Continues

This parade is just the appetizer. Trump's also planning a "Great American State Fair" for America's 250th birthday in 2026 – complete with a "National Garden of American Heroes" featuring statues of Washington, Armstrong, Ali, and presumably, eventually, himself.

I feel stupid now for thinking the military parade was ambitious. That was just the warm-up act.

Trump basically announced all this on Truth Social with: "We are going to start celebrating our victories again!" He's also planning to rename holidays – May 8 will become "Victory Day for World War II" and Veterans Day will transform into "Victory Day for World War I."

Because why honor veterans when you can celebrate winning instead?

The whole thing reminds me of when my 6-year-old nephew insisted on having both a birthday party AND a half-birthday party. Except this costs $100 million and involves nuclear-capable military equipment.