I can't believe I'm writing about this. Seriously. My editor texted me at 11pm last night: "Need you to settle teh gorilla debate. 500 words by morning." I thought he was drunk.

Turns out the entire damn internet is obsessed with this hypothetical battle royale between a single silverback gorilla and 100 ordinary men. Not soldiers. Not MMA fighters. Just... dudes. Regular guys who probably struggle to open pickle jars.

How Did We Get Here?

Some random called DreamChasnMike posted this bizarre question on X, and suddenly 288 MILLION people lost their collective minds. The debate has infected every corner of social media like some kind of weird intellectual virus.

Even the billionaires are weighing in! Elon Musk—because of course he would—volunteered himself as tribute when MrBeast floated the idea of actually testing this theory. "What's the worst that could happen?" Musk asked. Um, death? Dismemberment? A gorilla using your spine as a toothpick?

The Science Says You're All Idiots

I called Paul Cassar yesterday. He's a dentist who specializes in great apes (yes, that's a real job). The poor man sounded exhausted by the whole thing.

"While I'd never condone this, 100 unarmed men wouldn't stand a chance," he told me. Then he shared this terrifying story about treating a "slightly agitated" gorilla who started hurling a massive iron ball against a wall with such force the entire building shook. A ball, he emphasized, that no human could even lift.

Jesus.

Footballers Have Opinions (Because Why Not?)

Chelsea's squad is apparently divided on this crucial geopolitical issue. Cole Palmer seemed genuinely torn, mumbling something about "100 men that are willing to fight..." before his teammate Tosin Adarabioyo called him "stupid" to his face.

The Chelsea gorilla caucus includes Levi Colwill, Noni Madueke, Josh Acheampong, Marc Cucurella and Lucas Bergstrom. Team Human features Trevoh Chalobah and Pedro Neto. I'm sure their agents are thrilled they're focusing on this instead of, you know, actually winning matches.

Shaq Says You're All Dead

Basketball legend Shaquille O'Neal didn't mince words, claiming one gorilla would "knock out" 100 men. Given that Shaq is probably the closest human equivalent to a gorilla in terms of size, I'm inclined to trust his assessment.

Meanwhile, MMA fighter Merab Dvalishvili thinks he could take down a 400-pound wild animal with his bare hands. "I'm smart. I'm strong. Easy," he claimed, in what might be the most delusional statement of 2025 so far.

The Actual Experts (Remember Those?)

Tara Stoinski from the Dian Fossey Gorilla Fund thinks humans might have a chance through teamwork and strategy. "They can take turns, so their endurance is going to be a lot longer than a single gorilla fighting for hours," she explained.

But Ron Magill from Zoo Miami quickly crushed that optimism: "I've seen a gorilla break a coconut and flip a 300lb boulder like it's styrofoam." Not exactly encouraging for Team Human.

Dan Simmonds from London Zoo added an important point that everyone seems to be missing: "Gorillas are gentle and shy, so they prefer not to waste energy on aggression unless provoked." In other words, this whole debate assumes the gorilla WANTS to fight, which it probably doesn't.

The Answer No One Wants to Hear

Look, I spent $200 on dinner with a primatologist friend last night (thanks expense account!) trying to get a definitive answer. After her third glass of wine, she leaned in and whispered, "The gorilla would absolutely destroy them all... but the real question is why are grown adults obsessing over this?"

Why indeed.

Perhaps the real question, in a scenario so utterly absurd is: Who gives a monkey's?