God. Another night of watching Manchester United scramble through Europe while wearing something that looks like it was designed by a committee of colorblind marketing interns. And here I am, explaining kit choices instead of analyzing why we're 14th in the bloody Premier League.

I spent three hours last night arguing with my brother-in-law (die-hard City fan, naturally) about whether United even deserve to be in any European competition. His exact words: "You lot should be wearing clown outfits at this point." Hard to disagree after watching most of our matches this season.

The Kit Situation: More Interesting Than Our League Position

So here's teh deal - United are rocking their blue away kit tonight against Athletic Bilbao in what might actually be our last meaningful match of this trainwreck season. But there's a twist! They've paired the blue shirts with these weird "clear onyx" shorts that honestly look like someone left the regular black ones in the washing machine too long.

Why? Because Bilbao's iconic red and white stripes would clash with our home kit. Obviously.

Remember back in 2018 when we actually worried about winning trophies rather than which color shorts would look best on Bruno Fernandes? Those were the days.

Wait... We're Actually in a European Semi-Final?

It feels almost laughable that after such a catastrophic league campaign (14th place... I still can't type that without wincing), we're somehow just two games away from a European final. The football gods have a strange sense of humor.

Ruben Amorim's men have absolutely zero chance of finishing in the top five domestically. Zero. None. Nada.

Which means our only shot at Champions League football next season - and salvaging anything from this dumpster fire of a campaign - is winning the Europa League outright.

Those Fancy "Clear Onyx" Shorts Nobody Asked For

United have worn the blue shirts several times this season - at Southampton, Arsenal (twice, because once wasn't painful enough), Nottingham Forest, and Lyon. But tonight marks the debut of these mysterious "clear onyx" shorts.

What's "clear onyx," you ask? Apparently it's marketing-speak for "kinda silvery-gray but we needed it to sound premium because we're charging fans $75 for replicas."

We've worn the socks before at Forest, but never with this particular shorts combination. I spent $4K on season tickets to watch a team that puts more thought into kit combinations than defensive organization.

The Contrast Theory (Or: How Kit Men Justify Their Jobs)

According to club sources, United prefer to wear shorts that contrast with the opposition. In this case, since Athletic Club wear black shorts, our kit men decided we needed something lighter.

Listen. I texted my mate who works in the equipment room at Old Trafford about this whole shorts situation. His response: "It's literally just because someone ordered too many different shorts and we need to use them all before the season ends." Poor guy asked me not to quote him directly. Oops.

The last time we faced Bilbao was way back in 2012, and they knocked us out of Europe then too. Some things never change.

Tonight's Showdown: The Actual Important Bit

Kick-off is set for 8pm BST at San Mames, a stunning 53,289-capacity stadium that will be absolutely rocking tonight.

And while I've spent 400 words talking about shorts colors, the actual reality is that this match represents our last chance to make something of this season.

Win the Europa League or prepare for a year without Champions League football... adn the financial hit that comes with it.

Honestly, at this point, they could play in pajamas for all I care. Just win.