I nearly fell asleep writing this article. No joke.

Last night I dragged myself out of bed at some ungodly hour to watch what was supposed to be a decent scrap between Devin Haney and Jose Ramirez at Times Square. My girlfriend bet me $30 I wouldn't make it through the whole fight without nodding off. She knows me too well.

When Boxing Becomes a Cure for Insomnia

Holy hell. What we witnessed wasn't just boring—it was historically, monumentally, record-breakingly dull. The kind of fight that makes you question your life choices and wonder why you didn't just become a golf fan instead.

Haney, 26, secured a unanimous decision over Ramirez that had all teh excitement of watching paint dry in slow motion. The two-weight former champ delivered what might go down as the most forgettable performance in recent memory.

Listen. I've seen some stinkers in my time covering boxing since 2018, but this was something special.

The Numbers Don't Lie (But They Might Make You Cry)

Ready for the stats that'll make boxing purists weep? In FORTY YEARS of CompuBox tracking, only three 12-round fights have produced fewer landed punches. That's not a typo.

Haney connected a grand total of 70 times. Ramirez? A pathetic 30. That's 110 punches combined over 36 minutes of "fighting."

For perspective, that's less than one-fifth of the 582 punches landed in the Eubank-Benn clash just a week ago. The most exciting round featured—wait for it—NINE landed punches from Haney. Nine! I've seen more action in a chess match.

Boxing Stars Weren't Having It

The reactions from boxing's elite were absolutely savage. And honestly? They weren't wrong.

Poor Conor Benn was actually there in person (a week after his Eubank Jr defeat) and tweeted: "The judges won't have a scorecard because they're all asleep."

Dillian Whyte summed up my feelings exactly: "This Haney fight is trash I can't believe I stayed up for this."

Jack Catterall delivered my favorite burn of the night: "Tell you what I get called boring this makes me look like a prime Marvin Hagler."

Even Hall of Fame commentator Jim Lampley couldn't resist, saying: "If ever there was a fight capable of inducing a nap in Times Square, it would be this one."

When New York's Nickname Becomes Ironic

Dillon Danis probably had the most on-point comment of the night: "Devin Haney really put the city that never sleeps to sleep."

I mean... how do you even argue with that?

The Dream or The Nightmare?

Haney (nicknamed "The Dream") landed just under a third of his punches overall. Ramirez? A dismal 14.3 percent connect rate. I've seen drunk guys at bars with better accuracy throwing peanuts.

Dan Rafael didn't hold back either: "One of the worst fights I have seen in a long time."

And that's coming from a guy who's literally seen thousands of fights.

At Least The Batmobile Was Cool

The only saving grace of the night was the main event where Ryan Garcia rolled up in an actual Batmobile. That's right—the kid showed up like he was auditioning for a superhero movie.

Unfortunately for him, the night ended with tears after Rolly Romero dropped him in a stunning upset. At least THAT fight gave us something to talk about...

As for Haney-Ramirez? I'm still waiting for my girlfriend to give me that $30. Staying awake through that fight was the hardest thing I've done all year.