I nearly choked on my coffee this morning. Seriously. There I was, scrolling through some intel from a contact at Westminster (who still owes me £50 from our last poker night, by the way), when this bombshell dropped into my inbox. Britain's quietly dusting off the old war playbooks, folks.

And not just any playbooks – we're talking about classified "home defence" contingency plans that haven't seen daylight since 2005. Why? Because apparently Starmer's government is getting the jitters about Putin's increasingly belligerent posturing.

Remember When We Thought Brexit Was Our Biggest Problem?

God. Those were simpler times.

The Cabinet Office's Resilience Directorate (sounds like something from a spy novel, doesn't it?) is frantically updating these plans. My source tells me they're genuinely concerned Britain would be hopelessly outmatched by Russia on the battlefield. But here's teh kicker – they're equally worried about our defences at home.

This isn't just paranoia. Last month, the government officially designated Russia as a national security threat for the first time. That's not something they do for laughs on a slow Friday afternoon in Whitehall.

What's Actually in These Secret Plans?

Well, if you're picturing the Royal Family being whisked away to underground bunkers while the rest of us fight over the last tin of beans at Tesco... you're not entirely wrong.

The classified documents reportedly outline exactly how Downing Street would respond if Putin decided to press the big red button. They cover everything from how Sir Keir would run a wartime government to keeping the courts and postal system functioning.

For the first time, cyber warfare gets its own section. Back in January, the Cabinet Office ran a risk assessment that modelled what would happen if a hostile state (three guesses who) launched various attacks on UK infrastructure. The results were... well, let's just say "devastating" was the word used.

Our Nuclear Power Stations: Sitting Ducks?

This is the bit that kept me awake last night. The UK has five active nuclear power stations that are apparently about as well-protected as my garden shed. According to the assessment, if these were damaged in strikes, radioactive material could spread across the country with long-term consequences.

I spoke with an energy security analyst yesterday (over probably too many pints in a Westminster pub) who put it bluntly: "We've spent decades worrying about terrorism while ignoring the fact that state actors could cause far more damage."

His response when I asked about our current defence capabilities: "Already updating my resume and looking at property in New Zealand."

The Iron Dome We Don't Have

Defence officials are now openly saying Britain needs its own version of Israel's Iron Dome missile defence system. An RAF bigwig admitted last month that if Russia had attacked us the way they hit Ukraine in 2022, our defences would have been overwhelmed within hours.

Hours!

Not days or weeks. By the time you'd finished your morning Wordle, key targets across the country would be smoking ruins.

Cold War Ghosts Coming Back to Haunt Us

The plans being updated are based on something called the War Book – a Cold War relic that outlined government response to nuclear attacks. Under those plans, Britain would be carved into 12 separate zones, each run by Cabinet ministers. Food would be rationed, travel restricted.

Listen. I'm old enough to remember the tail end of the Cold War. My mum used to tell me about the four-minute warning and how they were taught to hide under their school desks. We all laughed about that in the 90s. Not laughing so much now.

When approached for comment, a Government spokesman gave the standard line about having "robust plans in place for a range of potential emergencies." Which is exactly what you'd expect them to say, isn't it?

I've got a meeting with another source tomorrow who promises more details. This story isn't going away... and neither, it seems, is the threat from the east.